I know it has been a while since my last update. I can’t seem to fully adjust to my situation right now. I went back to work last October 17 and up until today, almost a month back to work, I still drag myself to get up every single day. I can’t seem to get back to my passion which is teaching and molding young little minds.
Every day I wake up a little earlier than I’m supposed to because I still have to nurse my little one. Yes, we’re still exclusively breastfeeding. That’s one of the factors why it’s been really hard for me. I don’t have anything against formula feeding, but it’s just my personal choice to breastfeed my baby. I know I am providing him the best milk there is. It is an everyday struggle for me to leave the house because I worry about my baby a lot. I worry that maybe my expressed milk is not enough for him, I worry that maybe he’s still hungry. Just so you know, I don’t have a lot of milk. I only get little outputs when I express at work. But I am confident he is getting enough when he’s directly latched.
Anyway, aside from my everyday worry about my baby, I still have my work to worry about. I worry about being late every day because my baby won’t unlatch even if I have to go, and it’s really hard on my part to unlatch him and hear him cry as I go out the door. When I’m at work, I try to focus with my classes, but I can’t wrap my head around it without feeling guilty that I forcibly unlatched my little one. Although I have 5 breaks in a day, I use 2 of them to express milk and 2 of them to do my paper works. The one break I have left, which is 10 minutes long, I use it to eat my lunch. And sometimes, that two breaks I have allotted for school works are not enough.
Personally, I aim to breastfeed my baby as long as he wants to but that’s hard to do if you’re a working mommah. I know I can pump naman at work, but it’s very difficult to find the time especially in my line of work. I am a teacher, of course all the students have their schedule. I can’t mess up the schedule just because I have to pump every 2-3 hours. And if I cannot pump or express milk, that’s a threat to my milk supply. If I cannot express milk to empty my breasts, my body won’t get the signal to produce milk for my baby. That’s really what I’m afraid of.
Right now, I am so torn between pursuing my career as a teacher, or staying at home to take care of my baby. But something I read online made sense, it says, “When in doubt, always choose the kids.” My baby will not be a baby forever. While he is still a baby, I want to be there for him whenever he needs me. I want to be able to breastfeed him anytime he’s hungry. I want to be able to comfort him when he’s sick. I just want to be there for him. I’ve prayed for this baby for a long time, even when I felt hopeless, even when I thought I wouldn’t be able to bear a child, I kept my faith and prayed hard for a miracle. And here he is right now, sleeping soundly beside me. I do not want to spend my life working and missing out on most of my baby’s milestones.
I am currently eyeing this virtual assistant thing. It’s an online job, more like a secretarial job (keeping notes, organizing schedule, managing email, data entry, etc.). Work schedule can be flexible, can stay at home, good compensation with health benefits too!
For now, I am still praying hard about this decision I’m about to make. I still have the rest of this school year to decide. But if I were to ask you, what would be your choice: to pursue your career/passion or to work-at-home and stay with your baby?